Monday, February 28, 2011

You Had To Have Been There!!!

This post is for posterity's sake.

But, you're welcome to read along.

And laugh.

A lot.

It's Monday morning. I've been thinking since yesterday that I really need to get to the grocery store, as we were down to our last standby meal of spaghetti and meatballs. So, grocery store today it is. I had a brief conversation with Shawn this morning that went something like this:

Me: What time will you be home?
Shawn: around 5.
Me: Huh. (Thinking that tonight will be busy with FHE). Well, I need to get some groceries.
Shawn: You want me to try to come home a little earlier?
Me: Thinking...thinking...(do I deal with rush hour grocery store or toddler and baby in grocery store, the latter of which I have not done yet in a full out grocery run). No, go ahead and come home when you plan and I'll try to do it with the kids. I'll call you if I have to abandon ship.

Fast forward 2 hours.

Rebekah is asleep after a GREAT night (slept 8, fed, slept 3) and Aaron is dressed, ready to go, watching Dora. List has been prepared with produce circled so I don't have to go back to that section if I miss something...I was going to try to itemize by isle after that, but ran out of time...

Plan of attack: Wait for baby to wake up, feed, burp, change, and off we go.

We get to the store. They have these cool carts where I can strap Aaron in front of Rebekah and have the cart free for the food. He loves it. I promise him a sucker at the end if he's a good boy. Baby is starting to show signs of being unhappy...fidgeting and making the sucking motions....didn't I just feed you kid? You wanted more? Why didn't you say so at the house? (Let me just say at this point that at 8 weeks we are still on a feed-on-demand routine that varies from hour to hour, minute to minute. In other words, I have no idea when I'm going to be feeding the child). Hoping the pacifier will hold her off we race off to the produce. Onion, celery, romaine, apples, and strawberries all in the bag at record speed. Darting to the cheese - baby is fussy...put in the paci...she sucks for 5 seconds and spits it out. Meanwhile I've found the cheese...put in the paci...look for the cheaper brand - there it is! Quickly on to the bread isle for pnut butter. I ask Aaron to help me find the pnut butter to keep him entertained...put in the paci...walking down the isle to get to the pnut butter at the end of the isle and the whole way down the isle I hear, "THAT'S not the pnut butter, THAT'S not the pnut butter, ad nauseum. Whew. Rounding the cart to the next isle - move it buddy, I've got a fussy 8 week old in tow...put in the paci...hold in the paci while awkwardly moving the cart down the isle in search of salsa....where is it...where is it...THERE! Oh, wait, there's a coupon - I can get free chips that I need anyway - WOOHOO!! Gotta remember that when I get to the chip isle cause it's not on my list...put in the paci...OK, keep it moving. Up and down the isles I go like a woman possessed...trying to get out of the store before baby hits Meltdown...

Fast forward 10 minutes.

We've made it through the isles and all that's left is dairy. Have to have the dairy, even though baby has clearly had it (and I don't mean the dairy, I mean had it as in "Meltdown is imminent"). Mad dash to the dairy. Leave the cart in the middle of the aisle while I grab butter, milk, cottage cheese and yogurt all in one pass. Put in the is having none of the paci anymore. Have officially hit Meltdown status...MAYDAY...MAYDAY! A quick, and I mean a quick, scan of the list reveals I have forgotten the rotel...DANG THE ROTEL! Off we zoom to isle 6 with crying baby in store. Aaron is pleased to know we are now going to check out and he gets his sucker (the one bright spot in this trip...he was awesome!). To the checkout where the cashier asks how I'm doing....ummmm....yeah. I start piling stuff on the belt and baby's cry turns to a scream. Time for action. Baby is taken out of the car seat much to her and the cashier's relief. I again one-handedly begin piling stuff on the belt while squatting to reach the stuff in the bottom - oh, the thighs are getting a good workout! Transaction is complete. Problem: no suckers in sight. Solution: my buddy Sharon down at the self checkout stands who is sure to pull through with a sucker while I sit down on the conviently located bench and shove a boob in baby's mouth. Ahhhh, sweet peace for a few minutes. I take this opportunity to go over my list where I discover I've forgotten PEANUTS!! Must have the peanuts. I can see the peanuts from where I'm nursing - they are approximately 15 steps away. Oooohh, what to do...after thinking through the options, I determine the only workable one is to let baby finish, burp her, put her in her car seat, go get the peanuts and rush through the self checkout stand. Easy enough, right? Baby finishes, into the car seat we go. Sharon is kind enough to ask if she feels better now...cue the crying....quick, someone get me out of this nightmare! Put in the paci....nope, having none of it. In the peanut isle, take out the baby, put the peanuts in the cart, one-handedly maneuver the cart into the self checkout (where mercifully there is no line), scan, pay, bag, all with baby on shoulder and off we one-handedly go out the store...bye, Sharon, have a good day.

Out to the car...thinking through the options. In goes Rebekah, in goes Aaron, in go the groceries, in goes the, she took it! On goes the white noise, off we go towards home. Wow, she's not fussing! (I love you white noise, I love you white noise).

Get home...still no fussing...leave the white noise on, pull open the trunk, carry first 4 bags to door...set the bags in one hand down to open door, pick them up and the one with the milk gallon promptly falls back on the ground. I'll get it in a second. Get the bags on the counter and come back for the milk only to find it spewing everywhere, thank you very much not-very-sturdy-HEB bags. Quick, into the house, find big bowl, find big bowl, run outside, hold what's left of milk in leaking plastic bag over my porch while laughing hysterically at the absurdity of the situation, or maybe just because I've finally lost it and will end up in the loony bin. Bring bowl with saved milk inside, back out to the car where baby is crying (surprise, surprise) and the rest of the groceries are brought in at record speed. In comes baby, in comes a dazed Aaron, and whew, we DID IT!!

And you thought YOU had a crazy life!!

I now have enough groceries to make it through the week minus a few things I will pick up at a different store...tonight...alone. What will next Monday bring???

Stay tuned for another episode of...


(cue the horror music)


Jennifer Kremer Oliva said...

Where are the black beans for the black bean soup on the menu?

Kelsey said...

Before I had kids, I actually enjoyed grocery shopping. Now, I dread it and put it off as long as possible because I've had entirely too many days like the one you just described.

Jen Gillespie said...

Oh my lands Da! Not fun! I hate trips like that. Glad you made it through, semi-human. Miss you!

Katie said...

This is so funny because I have so been there! The good news is, it gets much, much better. I used to get the sweats just thinking about the grocery store. Or leaving the house for any reason. But now I feel like I can handle it. Kind of.

Mandi said...

Honestly...that sounds very typical to me. I almost always leave the store in a full sweat! And, you are a better person than I am cause I would have abandoned the peanuts- once I have checked out there is no going back!

I know that the workers hate me because I always grab whatever things are around me on the aisle to entertain Luke. Then I end up with a pile at the end of my trip that I have to hand to the cashier and tell them we are not buying.

Inevitably, some of those things fall into the cart, though, and I end up buying things I didn't mean to. Today it was a 2-pack of batman toothbrushes. Didn't need those!

Thanks for the smile!

jennifer rhodes said...

Love the paci war!!You did it! umade it through!! So proud! But, did u forget the jelly? hmmm? how about baked beans nd BLACK BEANS? LOLOLO

Jim and Brooke said...

I loved this story, because you made me feel normal. Thank goodness we can laugh at these crazy experiences later. You are amazing!

Tiffany said...

A much needed chuckle from your horror story. Oh well, at least you were laughing hysterically by the end of it and not sobbing. You are my inspriration!! Love you, girl.

hysaw said...

Awesome story..really need the laughs right now...